


Cool River

by Pearlislove



Series: Musical fanfics - Grace and Frankie [3]
Category: Grace and Frankie (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22318633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearlislove/pseuds/Pearlislove
Summary: "Bye, bye Grace" She says, not as kind as soft as she want to because she doesn't want to scare her, but she says it and she dumps the phone down into the water when she's done.The previously clear sky above her is darkening, and she can feel light drops of cold rain falling down on her skin. She sigh.It was now or never
Relationships: Frankie Bergstein/Grace Hanson, Grace Hanson/Nick Skolka
Series: Musical fanfics - Grace and Frankie [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1606417
Comments: 14
Kudos: 29





	1. I have tried praying

**Author's Note:**

> Another of my G&F fanfics inspiered by music. It exists in the same universe as "An exchange of intrests" and "The sound of my mind", but is it's own fanfic.
> 
> Song of inspiration is 'Cool River' by Anna McGarrigle.
> 
> OBS please note there is graphic descriptions of a suicide attempt. don't read if you can't handle it!

_ Cool river wash my tears away _

_ Let your blue waves hide me from the day _

_ It's the only way _

_ Cool river hear my plea _

_ Take me with you, to the sea, to the sea _

* * *

Frankie sits by the ocean and tries to understand how this happened. How Grace had just slipped right out of her hands, disappearing like grains of sand filtering between her toes.

How could Grace be so happy, when she was so very, very sad.

Controlled by her instincts, she rise up to her feet, staring out at the deep, murky waters that lay before her. She looks at them, and she remembers the first time she stepped foot on the beach, their beach.

Back then, just like now, she felt crushed. Her and Sol's dream of a baby had been swept away once more and everything, exactly everything, had seemed pointless.

Then and now, all her dreams disappeared while everyone else had the time of the life.

Frankie only wanted her life to be over. What was the point of living, when she never got what she wanted? 

When she could never, ever have what she wanted, why was there a point in going on? 

If there was a point, Frankie certainly couldn't see it.

She remembered the whole debacle with Phil. How she had smiled when they worked out, comforted Grace when they didn't. She had been there every step of the way and helped her through every single up and down, making sure to keep her floating even though her own heart was sinking deeper and deeper.

It had been the same with Sol. She had stood by him, supported him, helped him forfill his dreams and made sure to care for his fragile mind when his work as a lawyer almost broke him. 

He had cared for her too, but not as of late and not in any way that seemed to matter from her current position.

As far as was concerned, Grace and Sol were both gone, one married and the other most likely dying. Form cancer, of all things.

As though it wasn't bad enough that it took Teddy from her, it had to take Sol too.

The thought of Teddy brought her deeper down into her dark thoughts, and she struggles to hold back the tears. She missed Teddy so much, all the time, and she couldn't imagine going through the very same thing with Sol.

Living without Teddy was hard enough. She  _ couldn't  _ live without Sol.

She rise up from the sand walking closer to the ocean. She can feel the waves lapping at her ankles, and it feels comforting. The water is ice cold, but the numbness comforts more than warmth with the way she feels.

She close her eyes, and force her body to walk onwards. To get deep down into the cold waters when she knows she cannot swim and her wool clothing will drag her down. 

Her phone rings when the water is tickling her belly button. It's not far off shore, but it's further than she should've gone, had she had any sense of self preservation.

Had she ever had any self-preservation?

Frankie picks up the phone, and it's Joan Margaret. She considers not answering, but she knows it's not fair to JM, and she so in the she clicks the tiny green phone handle.

"Hello?"

"Frankie! Dear god, where are you? You didn't come to our meeting!" Joan Margaret's voice is high pitched and filled with genuine concern, immidiatly making Frankie want to scream in retaliation.

_ Why, why, why did JM have to call? _

_ Why didn't she remember to call in sick to their meeting?  _

_ Frankie knew they were going to be pitching ideas for their rising toilet seat, and yet, as always, she forgot.  _

"I forgot. I'm sorry Joan Margaret, I let you down" Frankie tries hard to sound like her usual self and not alarm her friend, but it's hard when the thought of Joan Margaret enters her head. 

_ What would JM do without her? Who would help her off the toilet? Grace wouldn't. Not always, not like Frankie. _

She shook her head. It didn't matter. Considering that the water level was crawling up towards her chest, soon nothing would matter.

"Frankie, are you there?" Grace comes through loudly, her voice crackling and worried as she asked for her best-friend.  _ Former  _ best friend. A person's best friend was their husband. "Frankie please tell us you where you are! If you're not at the beach house we'll come pick you up." She pleads,and it makes Frankie feel even worse.

Grace knows something is very wrong. But Grace couldn't see her like this. Frankie couldn't put that burden on here, she just couldn't. 

"Bye, bye Grace" She says, not as kind as soft as she want to because she doesn't want to scare her, but she says it and she dumps the phone down into the water when she's done.

The previously clear sky above her is darkening, and she can feel light drops of cold rain falling down on her skin. She sigh. 

_ It was now or never _

"Frankie!"


	2. I'm sinking all alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back with the next chapter finally! So this is the next to last one, hopefully. Enjoy!

_ "Bye bye Grace" _

Frankie hangs up the phone, and Grace want to scream.  _ Damn it, Frankie, now is not the time to be stubborn! _

The only thing stopping her from losing it completely as she speeded down the road to the beach house, is Joan Margaret sitting in the passenger seat. Her face is a mask of terror and her hands tremble as she packs away her phone in the little red purse sitting on her lap. Her fingers can hardly still themselves long enough to close the lid. She has lost whatever bearing she had to begin with, and Grace knows that if she lose it, too, then by the time they reach the house no one will be in any state to help Frankie.

"Oh dear me...I think Frankie is on trouble" Coming out of it, Joan Margaret starts to speak. "I heard water, Grace, like the Ocean. It sounded like Frankie was in the water" She said, concerned.

"Don't be silly! Frankie wouldn't actually be  _ in  _ the waters" Grace snaps, pulling at the wheel and turning into their parking lot. "She can't swim, and she may be stupid and forgetful, but at least I know that she knows that"

She steps out of the car, and she sees the Ocean. The blue waves are dark and menacing, the clouds above them reflecting in the waters as the cold rain dripped down and distorted the image.

She thinks of Frankie, alone out in the cold waters, and her heart freeze in her chest.

"Joan, you take the house. I'll go down to the beach" 

There's a voice in her head telling her that Joan Margaret's suggestion was ridicoules, and a pull in her heart that tells her that she can't afford for her to be right. 

She settles for jumping out of her stillettos and running barefoot down the hill, ignoring every aching joint and keeping on moving until packed dirt gave way to scratchy sand beneth her bare feet.

"Frankie!" 

  
  


She scream her name as loud as she can, emptying her lungs trying to make herself heard over the roar of the sea and the hammering of her own heart.

She sees a figure, a human, standing out in the waters, but she doesn't want to believe her eyes.

Surely, Frankie would not be  _ that stupid. _

Grace blinks, and suddenly, the body standing out in the water is leaning, swaying, falling down into the dark waves.

_ No no no no nononono _

She throws off her jacket and runs straight out into ice cold waters, swearing a she feels the freezing temperatures. Why would anyone want to swim in these conditions?

_ You assume it's about swimming  _ her heart whisper threateningly.  _ Come on, Grace, you're smarter than that _

"Grace!"

Joan Margaret call for her from behind, but she doesn't dare to stop or turn around. She got a momento going and she knows that if she hesitates for even half a second to take in the cold of the water and what it is doing to her tender joints, then Frankie will die.

"Call an ambulance!" She instructs instead, actually diving into the waters as it passes her stomach. She is almost at the point where the siloutte disappeared, and nothing has surfaced since whoever it was first disappear.

With one last, deep breath, she ducks down into the water and swim for the bottom. It's not far, but for someone sinking helplessly it's too far. 

Grace doesn't look as she reach out, and it is only by luck that her arms find something solid to cling onto she reach the bottom, pulling the heavy weight along as she turn around with her feet against the sand and push her head through the waves and up against the sky.

She gasp, blinking the water out of her eyes and breathing deeply of the crisp rain-soaked air. The weight in her arms is heavy and motionless, leaning against Grace as she stands in the cold waters and try to recover from the dive.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity of just trying to get her head the right way, she thinks to look down at what she is holding.

Grey curls rest on her chest, and her hand shake as Grace push them away to see a pale, almost blue face underneath. The skin is wet and ice cold to the touch, and for a frightening second, she thinks, this is it.

Frankie is dead.

She has turned towards shore without even thinking, fighting her own body to drag the listless weight along with her through the blue waves and the ice cold rain. For each step forward, she can feel a laboured gasp of air against her collarbone, and for every step, she know they are closer to help.

She finally collapse as her feet hit the sand, not out of the water but close enough. The heavy weight fall away from her hands and her aching body crash, throwing her down into the sand and refusing to lift her up.

The last thing she knows, someone is kneeling down and block her view of Frankie, another pair of hands grabbing onto her as she try to reach out for her best friend.

At that point, everything goes black.


	3. Cool river hear my pray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beginning of the last Chapter - finally! It got really long, though, so I had to break it up into parts...anyway, enjoy!
> 
> Recommended listening:
> 
> All by tears by Anne Brun 
> 
> As fast as my feet - Linda Thompson
> 
> Middle of the night - Loudon Wainwright III

"I  _ can not  _ believe that this happened!" Grace dislikes emotions in public spaces, but at this moment she cannot stop her outrage. Frankie had nearly died out in the Ocean, and now, she was sitting at her bedside, venting her frustration. "And...and those nurses, telling me  _ they  _ think  _ you  _ did it! All because of some stupid thing Joan Margaret said about you saying goodbye on the phone." She waited for Frankie to answer the outburst, but nothing came. "On the phone!" She repeated pointedly.

"I did mean it" Frankie's voice is quite, her body turned away from Grace so she can't see her face. She doesn't want her to know that she is crying. "To die"

"What?" Grace freeze. It's as though time slow down, a chill running down her spine at the same moment she jumps out the chair. "Frankie you can't be serious!"

Frankie sighed. "I am, Grace. What do I have to live for?" She asks, and she doesn't wait for an answer. "Teddy is dead, Grace. And now Sol is going to die  _ too _ . You're married and I'm all alone."

"Frankie…" Grace barely know what to say in response. The pain that Frankie expressed was so deep and so unexpected, that there were no words to counter with. "Don't say that." 

"No! You don't get to tell me  _ not to say things _ ! You're the fucking expert on never telling anyone anything until it's already decided so this is my goddamn turn!" Frankie scream, angry and upset as she turned around so Grace could see her face. "Do you know how hard it is to live without Teddy?! I miss her so much!  _ Every day _ I live without the people I love the most. Without her, and you

And now Sol? No. No, that isn't a life I can live." 

She cry. Fat tears roll down Frankie's cheeks as let out all the anguish and pain that she has been hiding for all these years.

In a sick and twisted way, it felt  _ good _ .

"Frankie…" Again, Grace was out of words. Frankie really believed that she had nothing left to live for. She really believed that this cancer was going to kill Sol soon enough, and that what was then left would not be worth it. "Oh Frankie" She sits down beside her, petting her iron gray curls as she tries to find a counter argument.

"I should've called in sick to JM" Frankie whispered slowly, squeezing her eyes shut as more tears rose to flow down her cheeks. "Then you wouldn't have known before it was too late"

"Then we would have brought soup" Grace counters seriously, her hand in Frankie's hair shaking as she continued to pett it. An idea has awoken in her mind at last. "What about Faith?"

"What?" Her eyes fly open, Frankie's hole face displaying the shock of hearing the question."What do you mean?"

"Is she not worth living for? I thought you loved her" It's a low blow, and not quite fair, but Grace is gripping at straws to try and find any kind of motivation for Frankie to keep living. "Buddha and Coyote loves you. How do you think they'd take it if they lost you?"

"No, stop!" Frankie screw her eyes shut again, lifting her hands to cover her ears. There is a painful amount of sense and truth in what she says, and Frankie doesn't want to hear it.

She has made her choice, and she doesn't want to change her mind.

Grace sigh. "Frankie, please" She begg. She takes her hand, and holds it in her own, massaging the back of it and counting the bony fingers. "What will it take for you to realize that we  _ need  _ you?' She is desperate, teary-eyed despite knowing that it wasn't about her.

_ Her  _ heart breaks at the thought of not having Frankie anymore. She can not bear the thought of it, and she's willing to do whatever it takes to keep Frankie at her side.

"Maybe I can help" 

Sol stands in the doorway, smiling the most pityfull smile Grace has ever seen. He's pale and thin and a general mess, but he is there.

Grace get up without a second thought, offering her chair to him. "Get me when you're done" She ordered simply.


	4. Cool river wash my tears away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 2 chapters left! A short inbetween thing, and then the final! Yes! Wow this is so mich longer than I thought...oh well. Such is life.

Sol sighed. "What is this, bunny?" He ask. His voice is hoarse and he coughs roughly. 

Frankie flinch. It had been a long time since he called her bunny. Another thing, she noted, that would never happen again if he died.

She'd never be "bunny" again.

Softly, she began to cry. Tears welled up in her eyes and she cried, devastated. "I can't lose you. I can't live without you. It's not possible." She shake her head. There is no world without Sol. There just isn't. "I need you"

On the chair Sol sigh. He bend down, his arms around her as he give her a kiss on the forehead. "There there" He tells her, using his softest and most innocent voice, and it all feels awfully familiar. "I'm not going anywhere, bunny. This won't kill me."

Frankie glare at him. The voice and the name make her weak, but she can't let herself give in. "Teddy said that too. Don't worry. It's a thing of the past. Teddy died" She says it accusingly, making it clear that she has the situation pinned down. "You will die too"

Sol is shocked. His face shows it clearly, and for a while they sit in silence as he try to process what she said. Then, when he has done that, he try to speak.

"What about Faith…"

"No" Frankie interrupts before he can finish, already having been down that road and made up her mind. "Grace already asked, and the answer is no."

"She'll miss you" He tries again. Little by little, it was becoming clear exactly how far down the rabbit hole Frankie had gone. It worries him. "I'll miss you"

Frankie rolled over. "You're going to die. Faith is too small to remember me. There's nothing keeping me here." She sits up, looking Sol in the eyes. She hadn't done that for Grace but Sol, he deserved it.

Sol had always deserved better. Always.

"Actually, I haven't gone yet" Sol feels offended. To have Frankie looking him in the eyes and telling him such things, it was insulting. Then, he laughed gently. "Looks like we need to adopt a baby, huh?"

Frankie laughed, pure shock forcing the sound out of her. "What? You're crazy puppy" She shake her head, grey curls flying everywhere.

Sol laughed again, shaking his head too. A weak smile rested on his lips as he heard his ex-wife laugh so carelessly. "Well, last time you were this deep down the rabbit hole, we adopted Coyote. Then Budda. So, will a new baby fix this?"

Frankie laugh again. "I'm too old for that, and you know it." Despite how deep down into it she is, Sol's ridicoles suggestion helps lift her up a little. She feel happy, if not motivated to live. "Puppy. I know you mean well, but... it may be like then, But it isn't so simple to solve now." 

She looked down at her hands, wringing them together. It all feel so hopeless. Both Grace and Sol were clearly doing their best to comfort her, but as much as she wanted to be comforted, it just did not work that way. The pain had rooted itself so deeply within her, it seemed nothing could cure it.

Sol sighed once more. The look in his eyes was agony, his being so clearly wounded by her sadness. Slowly, he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close and lowering his voice. 

"What about Grace?"

He already knows Faith mattered to Frankie. Of course she mattered, the baby girl was Frankie's whole world. But she had found a convenient excuse to disregard her in her head, and would not see sense on the matter. This meant that Sol had to pull out the heavy artillery. 

There was one card left unplayed, and he put it on the table.

Grace Hansson.

Just hearing her name, Frankie's face light up. For a second, she look happy and alive, but then it dies. "She's married" She says, defeated.

"Not happily so" Sol counters, wise with age and common sense."I've seen the faces she make when Nick touch her. Robert used to pull those exact same faces.  _ She  _ pulled those faces over Robert"

Frankie looks at him, curious. "Did you pull those faces?" She asked, her voice shaking. She is so small, so fragile, that any word might topple her over.

He can't afford to mess this up.

Luckily, Sol knows just what to say. "No. I loved my bunny" He kiss her hair again, and they both know it is not a lie. "I could never hate you that much"

"Just in the normal annoying spouse way" Frankie counters teasingly, and she almost sounds like herself again. 

"Exactly" Sol laugh. He laughs heartily, and when the laughter settles he look at her with understanding eyes. "Bunny, tell me honestly...do you really want leave this world without having kissed her?" He grinn. "Without ever having told her you love her?"

Frankie just stares at him. She doesn't have words to spare for the answer. She doesn't need to.

They both know the answer. 

He kiss her on the head, again, for the last time, and pat her shoulder. "Remember I love you bunny. I don't want to lose you." He gets up from the chair heading to the door. "I'll get Grace for you."

"I love you too, Puppy" 


	5. I've waded knee high in troubles not my own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally back! This fanfic is not dead...not yet!

Grace stands up from her chair the moment Sol exit the room, not even stopping to ask him a single question as she prepared to rush back in. 

Sol let her. He stepped to the side, idly inspecting the floor as Grace barged into the room once more. Though it hurt to be ignored despite surely having helped significantly, he knew the way Grace was feeling. 

There never was logic and patience in love.

"Are you okay honey? How did it go with Frankie?" Robert's comforting hand wraps around his shoulder, squeezing it. His voice is filled with worry, and without looking Sol already knows that Grace has been riling him up while waiting outside.

"I'm okay. Did Grace talk to you?" He asks, glancing over at Robert. "While I was in there with Bunny"

Robert nod slowly. "Did you know she's gay?" He asks, smirking.

Sol laugh. "Who would've thought. You were actually right" 

"Right in what?" Robert countered, confused. His hand let go of Sol's shoulder, and he rounded the tall man so they could stand face to face. "What did I do?"

"You made me get a divorce" Sol replied simply, sitting down on an uncomfortable hospital chair."And you were right. It was the best thing I ever did. For me and Frankie"

Robert watched him, feeling an intense want to really rub this in his once-hesitent husbands face, but resisted. 

Instead, he sat down and kissed Sol's cheek. 

"I told you so"


	6. Washed my tears away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand we finished!

"Frankie?"

Grave peek around the door carefully, looking and waiting for permission to fully enter.

She's impatient, but she pulls herself together enough to wait anyway. It was polite, after all, and for once she did not want to risk angering Frankie.

"Schh, be quiet. She's sleeping" 

Frankie's response is not clear, but Grace take it for what it is and opens the door fully, only to be greeted by the cutest sight she has ever seen.

Frankie is laying down, her face facing the door just like when Grace left. What wasn't there when she went, though, was the tiny chocolate brown lump under the orange hospital blanket.

"Buddha came to visit. He'd thought she'd cheer me up, but then she fell asleep and we didn't want to disturb her...she's perfect" Soft and gentle, Frankie strokes the baby's cheek. Her eyes shine with love, and Grace already knows that Faith is the sun and moon that hang in Frankie's sky.

She could go on and on about how she had nothing to lose for however long she wanted. Grace would always know that was not true.

"She'd so precious" She sits.down on the same chair she has been for hours and hours, observing the grandmother and her baby. "What did Sol tell you?"

Frankie looks at her, wordlessly seizing her up. Like an animal, deciding whether to run or fight.

"This"

It goes so quick, Grace has no chance to stop her. She jumps up, their lips collide, and then she lands back down on the bed. 

"What? Why would you.."

Grace stares at her, shocked and confused as to what just happened. She tries to speak but stutters, not even stringing two words together.

Seeing that, Frankue's reaction doesn't wait, and her face falls into a look of utter despair.

"I knew you'd hate it!" She exclaimed angrily. "I knew I shouldn't have listened to Sol! There is  _ no one  _ who want me…" She cried, horrified.

"Oh nononono" Grace rushed forward, grabbing Frankie by her arms. "Stop!" She ordered, holding her tight. "Frankie stop! I love you" 

It's words that she has said many times before, but now, for the first time, they get a different meaning. The  _ right  _ meaning.

She leaned forward, and she kissed Frankie back lovingly. She channels all she can into that single kiss and hope, that maybe they'll understand what she mean.

"You love me?" Frankie asks when they break apart, big puppy dog eyes staring at her.

"Yes" Grace replied, her voice trembling. "Do you?"

"Yes" Frankie replied, and she pulled Grace down into bed with her, holding her tight.

"I've always loved you"

  
  
  



End file.
